Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
