I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
