We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
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I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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