I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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