quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
