Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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