A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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