I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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