I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
