Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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