and you said cock pushups were impossible
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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