I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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