We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
