At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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