god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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