Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
