TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
