On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
