Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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