Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
