Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
