My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
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I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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