Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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