half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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