Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
