I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
