Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
