This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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