I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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