You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
