My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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