Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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