I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
