nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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