I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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