You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
