My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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