Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
