I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Randomize
