the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
