puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
