I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
