Four minutes until I can fart!
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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