my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
