Can Purell be used as lube?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
