When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
