Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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