2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
