She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
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Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
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He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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