The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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