Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
