is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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