my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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