Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Dick very happy bro
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
