he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
