The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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