somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
