I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
