Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
