She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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