something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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